I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
