There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
