Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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