Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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