She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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