just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
