We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize