new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
