I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
