I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
