It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
