Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I could have mohawked her pubes.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
