I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
