The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
do nipples grow back?
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