Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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