This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
