sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
