i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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