The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
