how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
