my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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