if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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