My liver just broke up with me...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
