I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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