you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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