2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
