Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
