So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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