I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
