how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
