He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
