My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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