It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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