my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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