party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
