probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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