so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
