Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
