There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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