I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
