apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
