Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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