my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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