You can't special order awesome
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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