The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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