Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you win again, gameday.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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