My liver just broke up with me...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
