a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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