my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
