i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
