You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
