I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
