craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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