I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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