my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
