People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
