Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
