i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he thought i was a dude.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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