I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
