i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
