The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I lost the right to judge tonight
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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