i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
