you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
