Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
