i jhust puked up my retainher.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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